enough said.

i was mopping the floor the other day and it occurred to me that lately, music hasn’t meant the same to me that it used to or maybe it does and i just let other things distract me from the fact that it does … when you grow up, your heart dies … so true. and i never want that to be true (not entirely). but i discovered the Great Lake Swimmers recently and they’re wonderful.

i am a stop sign …

and more tired than anything else these days. everything lately is burst of work here and there, and some unending weariness that won’t leave me no matter what i do. the sleeping pills just make the problem worse if i happen to wake up at some ungodly hour with the weight of a 9 pound dog suddenly feeling like a ton because he’s sleeping against my lower back. either way, i don’t go back to sleep, at least not the good kind. its like i can hear the silence talking to me and my mind is talking back and it won’t quit. it’s maddening, this insomnia.

some days the poems come a little easier. it helps to have a deadline. it doesn’t help that i don’t really think i have that much to say, especially when the subject is myself … still, academia suits me more and more everyday. i just wish there were more time, more time to read everything …

i am excited about the holidays, still, when most of my good mood and optimism has been beaten out of me. i hate my job more and more everyday but only because of who i have to work with. the worst mistake i ever made was becoming her friend and now that it’s all over, well, sighs of relief all around. i dodged a particularly evil and manipulative bullet, here, and i’ve reaffirmed my increasingly antisocial stance on people and friend-making in the workplace. it wouldn’t be this way if i had a co worker who possessed more than an inch worth of emotional (and general) maturity …but i won’t waver. i’ve done nothing wrong. she can shout to the skies all she wants, it’s her general mental stability that’s being questioned (and rightfully so). not mine, not mine …

the state of our finances is bugging me more and more … it’s been one thing after another since our vacation. stupid car rental company (don’t rent from Avis! Ever!), tax issue because the idiot accountant at my former place of employment screwed up, the truck keeps finding reasons to stop running. it’s all very “pour money money money down this hole and that” at a time when i’m at my most frustrated about living here and am desperately trying to claw my way out …

oh but i have lots of cooking and baking to do and if anything helps my emotional state it’s a hot plate of something and sugar … despite the cold and impending grayness of winter i very much like our quiet nights of fireplace sitting just me and him … crafty lady projects and the promise of some more quiet time are enough to keep me going …

i love my life, i love my life, i love my life. as if i needed to be reminded …

dropping off a ledge, suddenly

i wonder sometimes if my lack of poem-writing has to do with fear or if it’s just pure change of landscape and mindset that has done me in. my project for this semester is poems (and i’m either a genius for thinking of it, or a complete and utter fool) and each time more than two lines of a poem, any poem, are attempted, i start backing away slowly. it doesn’t help much that my subject matter is me and that lately all thoughts directed at myself make me nauseous. but the academic writing – well that’s burgeoning all over this place.

i’m crazy in the head, sometimes.

tripping over my anger

and pinning my fury to a scorched tongue. goddamn it all.

like paper coffins

and summer is most definitely over, or at least staggering on its last, tired feet into its cave somewhere for a long (extremely) long nap. and i’m left with nothing to show for it. okay, that’s a little too bleak to accurately assess the situation as a whole… and i’m left with several steps forward and closer to my goals. there, that’s a lot better (and right). besides, i enjoy the holidays, i like being busy and having a fire going in the fireplace while i cook and bake and all those things associated with the end of the year. plus i have a vacation back home coming right up and i’m extremely excited about that. i get to play the happy tourist, see a person i love very much, and see some others out of obligation. that’s mean but i’m finding lately i don’t care to mince words. i’m so tired of being misunderstood that i will say everything i mean very plainly and say everything i’m thinking because i cannot find the strength so often to keep my true feelings stamped down into the dust. i refuse. why should i? everybody else gets to run their mouths helter skelter. i’m not holding back anymore for the sake of politeness. fuck it, yes? i’ve had an interesting month of August and a completely run ragged and exhausting beginning of September. i’ve accomplished things, unaccomplished others, lost friends, and surprisingly enough am not regretting it. the thing that happened was just a startling reminder to me why i don’t make friends with people i see everyday and precisely why i don’t get along with most women. i’m all for an education so ::shrug:: on this whole mess … still, everything’s even keel, rushing on my run, waiting it all out until i can make my escape into the night-dark. that’s all i can do.

i won’t mind the people when they stare

“a happy sort of wrong…” there’s a phrase to hold on to …

gathering the bones together

“then he sleeps and dreams about a death that is coming…”

“this bridge of poems: a thousand paper coffins laid end to end”

greg orr

isn’t it interesting …

that the people who are so against healthcare reform are the same people who (by and large) don’t support gays rights to marry or equal rights for everyone?

i wish we could deport all of these bigots and idiots. they’re harshing my mellow.

tagged

1. What is your husbands name? erik

2. How long have you been together? been married a little over 3 years

3. How old is he? 27

4. Who eats more? He does and he never gets fat. i hate him. (except not really)

5. Who said I love you first? i don’t remember …

6. Who is taller? he is, slightly.

7. Who sings better? me. but heck, i’m almost a professional so i’ve got an advantage.

8. Who is smarter? we’re both smart about different things.

9. Whose temper is worse? mine, no doubt.

10. Who does the laundry? ugh me.

11. Who does the dishes? um me most of the time.

12. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? i think erik does.

13. Who pays the bills? me.

14. Who mows the lawn? if we had one to mow i would love to mow it. i really enjoy doing that.

15. Who cooks dinner? um me.

16. Who drives when you are together? usually erik

17. Who is more stubborn? we both are equally stubborn.

18. Who is the 1st to admit when they are wrong? me. erik is never wrong according to him.

19. Whose parents do you see the most? erik’s. they are our closest neighbors and my dad is still in texas.

20. Who proposed? erik

21. Who is more sensitive? probably me

22. Who has more friends? i do. he is largely antisocial.

23. Who has more siblings? we both have the same number of siblings.

24. Where did you meet? the interwebs

25. Who wears the pants in the family? we both do.

26. What was the 1st thing you said to your husband? I do not remember.

27. Where was your first date? we didn’t “date”

28. Where was your first kiss? the houston airport

29. Where did you get engaged? Over the phone initially – but he did the whole knee song and dance at a restaurant in Corpus Christi.

30. Where were you married? one of the historical houses across from the beach in Corpus Christi, Tx.

31. Where was the honeymoon? NA. we vacation every year instead.

32. What would you have changed? …. Not a thing.

right on, atheist bus